The Myers-Briggs Asshole Index
First, if you do not know your Myers-Briggs score, take this test or one like it: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp
[Disclaimer: This is a personality test for the sick ones. If you are not one of the sick ones, you would not have completed the test. It may be so that you cannot get help. We are sorry about this.]
[Content warning: This is a personality test for the sick ones. With expected results.]
Slightly hippyish, the ENFP is often one to black out after one drink. They will not stop pestering you with their ideas and they will usually not understand your feelings either. Very common, these idiots are not ones to bother with being consistent in their statements, and arguing with them will be frustrating as they’ve forgotten the beginning of the issue once you’ve explained why they’re wrong about the tangent they brought up. The apt animal comparison would be “goldfish”. Nothing fazes them, and everything is interesting as long as it’s in sight.
They are usually happy, not having found anything to be unhappy about. Spending time with an ENFP is difficult, considering not many have the patience to listen to their stupid ideas. These are the people who get tribal tattoos and think that makes them part of a tribe. ENFPs are like reverse nihilists, in that they believe in everything you tell them.
Being in a relationship with an ENFP is a challenge; expect to do all the work for little reward. While you might find that, during an initial period of falling in love, you really do connect with the ENFP, this is just due to them being so plastic and vapid that anything deeper than, say, an army boot is too hard for them to understand, so they’ll just parrot whatever you said. You are probably an INFP since you didn’t notice this, you cock.
INFPs are not concerned with the material world, anything that matters to them happens inside their head. They are the kid in the back of the class who understands nothing and believes themselves to understand it all, which is why they never ask questions, and always make assumptions. If you correct their assumptions they are likely to not hear you.
In the grand scheme of things, INFPs forgive everyone, perhaps because of the lingering doubt that anything they perceive is truly there. Their animal totem would be the stupid, drooling, cute dog.
Sometimes, the actual real world penetrates the foggy glass of their John Lennon-style rose-coloured shades, and they are prone to extreme depression when this happens. Usually, the best way to get them out of this is distracting them with something shiny, or make a doll of the friend they lost they can keep as a substitute. Since you considered doing this creepy thing, I can but assume you’re an ISFJ, so get away from me, get far away.
They are likely to find meaning in meaningless things, and relationships with INFPs end typically because of imagined slights, or the realization that nothing you’ve said for the last fourteen months have even been processed by their brains. If you leave, it might take them up to three weeks to notice, had you been living together.
Like rattlesnakes, the animal associated with them, the ENFJs have an inexhaustible patience. They give the air of being a wise mentor, when really they just want you to do their bidding. They often run several schemes at once. They do not consider you a friend, even though you might consider them one. They consider you an asset or, at most, an acquaintance.
Adept at manipulation, the ENFJ has gone so far as to make themselves believe whatever it is their saying, fooling lie detectors and even the greatest mentalists. They can usually do this as they have a hollow where their soul should be, and it can easily be filled with fakes. Pretending to be otherwise is easy for them. They do have feelings, such as “I’m worth all the money in the world,” or “everything I see is mine.”
In an office workplace, the ENFJ is the snitch you never notice. The ENFJs are drawn towards jobs without glory, such as paparazzis, where they can observe the people who do feel love, and destroy it for them.
INFJs are fond of themselves. They try to have friends but they often do not get past the “hello” phase. They prefer non-interactive media, which is why they predilect for poetry and prose. The fucking paper will not fucking talk back to them.
In the rare occasion that they do manage to befriend someone (after alternating between telling a potential friend too much and then too little about themselves, perhaps they found a balance for once), the INFJ listen to others and then they pretend that the anecdotes relayed to them were ones they experienced themselves. This way, everything can be about them.
INFJs often want to change the world, but what they don’t realize is that they, themselves, need to change. The INFJ animal is a badger. Badgers are dumb. Badgers won’t fucking let go if they bite you, much like an INFJ. INFJs are prone to biting people, the freaks.
ESTJs are the “other people” in “Hell is other people.” They are bureaucratic and sycophantic, they are the cultists standing in the middle of the town square selling you books on dianetics. They are the middle-managers with the smiles entirely disproportionate with how important they are for the company and their only job is to tell you to work harder, which they enjoy. They are the coach for your kids’ sports team who base their entire self-worth on the team and breaks down when it inevitably loses, and they are the aunts who “hold together” the family by silencing anybody who does not smile in the family portrait.
They cannot grasp that others might not value the same things they value, and the way they cannot grasp this is very very firm.
You do not have a relationship with an ESTJ, you have a deal. An ESTJ does not have a totem animal because ESTJs are awful and horrid, and animals are cute.
Imagine an ant, a tiny little worthless animal who does exactly what its superiors say. That is an ISTJ, that is. They often switch between three expressions to maintain a notion of humanity but really, they cannot be counted as human. If you try to have a conversation with an ISTJ, you will be disappointed, for ISTJs do not have conversations. They recite scripture, or they tell you of their routine, or they argue with you, but they do not have conversations.
Strongly convinced of opinions formed before their teenage years (during which they rebelled slightly and regretted it), the ISTJ is likely to have a bent for the religious. They are calm individuals, on account of being so lacking in everything. New things scare them. These are the people who would adapt to newspeak the easiest.
ISTJs do not have “ambition”. They are empty inside.
If you happen to find yourself in the vicinity of an ISTJ, just move away. ISTJ can spread by touch, I’ve heard, and you will not even notice the change.
“Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging,” with emphasis on Judging. Your average ESFJ is great at pretending to listen, and while they do hear you, unlike INFPs, they do not give even one tiny fuck about what you just said, except to hate you with.
ESFJs are usually the dominant ones in social contexts, often disregarding others’ opinions. If they are wronged they will be angry and they will punish you, but if you treat them well they will treat you well in return (unless they’re having a bad day). A good way to get on an ESFJ’s good side is to do favours for them without them asking – they love getting gifts. They adapt easily though, so if you stop giving them gifts after that, they will not … be happy with you.
Many mafia bosses have been ESFJs, as their blatant disregard for everybody else and the ease with which they can establish rules makes them great criminal overlords. Unlike other hollow personalities (ISTJs, ENFJs, ENTJs, most ISTPs), the ESFJ try (in futility) to fill their hole with things that they should care about. However, caring quickly turns into hatred.
They use everything they have to get what they want – if this means emotional breakdowns over the last cup of coffee, so be it. After an outburst they will pretend nothing happened, and the older, more wise ones will apologize about it in secret, however you should not listen to a word they say. The animal totem of an ESFJ is the mandrill. You know, the volatile monkeythings?
Creeps. “Nice guys.” The ISFJs are really fucking creepy. They do not know what privacy means, and they do not care even if you direct them to a dictionary. They are the traditional silent stalker, the ones who become serial murderers at age 40 out of a growing sense of meaningless in life. Everyone moves away from them, and rightfully so.
The word “love” to an ISFJ is loaded. If they say they love you, you should change your name. They are talking about an undying burning flame of worship and eagerness to please, and though they will never voice what it is they want, you will know. Usually they will romanticise a scenario and keep trying to achieve it. We do not recommend becoming involved romantically with an ISFJ, because you will never know what goes through their mind, and you will never be able to react exactly as the ISFJ wants. If they need to articulate what they want the whole thing is ruined, you see.
You might have an ISFJ friend, and you might have them for like, 8 years without even touching them, and then one night you overhear them describing you as their [gender]friend on the phone.
These people give you gifts and need help. The ISFJ animal is a leech, or anything disgusting and creepy, really.
ENTPs are nice, inventive, perfect people, hindered by the serious handicap of nonexistence. If someone told you you were an ENTP, they probably knew you were an ENTJ, and they were trying to be nice. The ENTP animal is a unicorn.
The Germans have a word for INTPs, and it is “Besserwisser”. It means someone who thinks they know better. The INTPs are sore losers and very much adherents to the “once burned, twice shy” mentality. Unfortunately, as many (if not all) personalities on this scale they do not understand that others do not function like they do. This trait is extra extra pronounced in the INTP, who cannot understand the idea of anyone wanting to do something they have already done.
The INTP adores factoids and often does not check whether a tiny piece of information or statistic is correct, they just love that it is a tiny piece of informations. This gets many of them working with computers. Badumdum-pshh.
If you give a task to an INTP, do not expect it done. They will likely fret over completely the wrong shit and then do the opposite of what you asked. They can’t actually finish anything, so they are worthless academically or professionally, but they will beat you in Trivial Pursuit. They will bloody slaughter you in Trivial Pursuit, and they will gloat about it and they will repeat the exchange that happened when you lost, they will say “and I asked you this and you thought it was that,” and all this is because of two facts that you need to know about INTPs.
- They identify strongly with Trivial Pursuit because that is their life in a nutshell, metaphorically.
- They’ve heard of humour, but only in the abstract, dissecting-a-frog-way.
The totem animal for INTP is a crab. An ugly, foul-smelling crab who believes itself to be a princess.
The animal that belongs to ENTJs is the scorpion. You might think scorpions are cool, but there’s a reason you would keep them in a terrarium if you got one. These people will eat you alive. You might associate that with someone sounding “badass” but I assure you, even if you were their second-in-command they would flay you alive in the same fashion a nice person would not injure a fly. But, you know, reversely. Also if you had a motherfucking talking scorpion, the ENTJ would convince you that it’s nice and shit and you would let it out and it would devour you.
Scruples are alien to them. They have no compunctions about petty details like ruining someone else’s life, and if they can get away with it they will gladly stab you with the dagger themselves.
All politicians ever are ENTJs. An ENTJ’s path of personal development does not leave much room for creativity. The first 20 years (‘Phase 1’) the ENTJ does nothing that can be called pleasure, and only what can be called planning. Around the transition between Phase 1 and Phase 2 (the next 15 years), the ENTJ finds someone they will marry. This marriage is nothing but a contract, of course, with the money and fame the ENTJ has or will have exchanged for absolute compliance and a promise to not endanger any of the plans, even if this means repressing oneself.
Phase 2 consists of building up a network of people that can usher them into positions of power and during Phase 3 they unleash all the pent-up stuff they’ve been hiding and eventually they get caught snorting coke off a prostitute’s Prince Albert, dressed like Eva Braun, reciting Atlas Shrugged. (At least one of those things should offend you.)
The INTJ totem animal is the octopus. They prefer to stay in the darkness, unlike their Extravert counterparts, ENTJs, the INTJs rarely get caught. They make this world a pissy place and they do not often at all stand for their crimes, but let someone else take the fall.
To give you an idea of what kind of people INTJs are, I’ll provide you with a list of famous INTJs:
- Karl Rove
- Hannibal Lecter
- Reinhard Heydrich
- Ayn Rand
- Roger Ailes
- Rebekah Brooks
So yeah. They are much better at being low-key than the ENTJs, and they often do not understand that what they’re doing is evil.
ESTPs are like ISTPs in that they sometimes turn into wailing mockeries of adult people. But ESTPs do not do it because the screams echo in the hollowness of their soul and they can pretend that the abyss is responding to them, no – the ESTPs do it because they think it’s fun. It’s what they live for. They’ll carry a gun into a bank just because it’s fun to scare the poor innocents, they’ll stand by the roadside and flash motorcyclists so they can watch them crash, nothing is out of limits for an ESTP.
They are usually dumb as rocks. Which is good, because the ESTPs with brains are really fucking scary. The ESTP animal is the raccoon. Which may seem cute or fun to you unless you’ve met one.
ISTPs are people who can actually can be helped, unlike many of the ‘hollow’ (ISTJs, ENFJs, ENTJs, ESFJs), or ‘disturbed’ (ISFJ, INTP, ENTJ, ESTP) personalities. They can be helped by taking a motherfucking chill pill. An ISTP is unpredictable in the worst of ways – one second they might be slouching around doing absolutely nothing, and in the next they will be all up in your face screaming and flailing. They don’t care about their own or others’ safety, they rarely check facts, and they often endanger others with their shenanigans. Imagine them as ticking bombs.
A relationship with an ISTP is exhausting. If they do not get what they want they will act like a child and you will be thoroughly embarrassed because these grown-up babies will sulk or throw fits, just like non-grown up babies. Though perhaps it’s an unfair comparison. I mean, babies can be adorable and stuff. ISTPs can’t.
The animal that is linked to the ISTP personality is the tamagotchi. What do you mean, ‘not a real animal’? Screw you.
ESFPs are the kind of people who use the word ‘kegger’ or ‘iced’. They get drunk on one beer and proceed to feel that all their actions are totally excused. I mean, a drunk person can’t be responsible for their own actions, right?
Even if they don’t drink, the ESFP is the classic insensitive asshole. They’re just more outrageous if you feed them alcohol. An ESFP makes dead baby jokes around abortion clinics, and your mom jokes at your mom’s funeral. They will not stay at the funeral for very long, but they will steal one of the bottles of funeral wine and proceed to get shitfaced on it.
If you’ve ever stuck your foot inside a boot full of piss, or cleaned up puke stains from the ceiling, chances are you’ve interacted with an ESFP. Their animal is the gorilla, I think. Or the orangutang. Some kind of ape, whatever.
Relationships with ESFPs can be tricky, but they might work out. Provided you’re not into communication or honesty or something. It’s hard to be honest when you can’t remember what happened last week.
Hipsters. Need I say more? ISFPs feel that doing things “ironically” is the coolest thing ever. Their totem animal is the owl, not because they’re wise, but because hipsters have a thing for owls. They think that they’re, like, the coolest shit ever. Stupid hipsters.
Some ISFPs transcend their hispterness and instead work fiercely on trying to come up with less obnoxious things for the subculture to do. This does not redeem them.
(Psst. Check out my fiction, too. It’s pretty cool: /category/writing/)
(Update 27/Feb/2014: While it’s nice that people like this page, and that people aren’t being all too inflammatory in the comments section, I’m tired of reading the same ideas expressed in each one. If you have anything cool you want to add to this discussion, feel free to email me at johannespunkt[at]gmail[dot]com. In the meantime, comments are open on virtually all other posts on this blog and you’ll be much more fruitful trying to add new stuff to those conversations. The other posts are much more interesting, too. Thank you.)
These are frighteningly accurate descriptions of our inner demons. The ENFJ you describe constantly lurks somewhere in the dark basement of my mind, threatening to break loose when the walls are weakened due to life turning bad.
Sadly, the walls of most people are already cracked or broken, if they have ever existed in the first place, and their demons ride them at will.
Heh, thank you.
Many walls are weakened. It is important to remember that these tests only show a limited scope of you, and even though they show -something- doesn’t mean they show what they say they show. This goes twice for my write-ups.
Shun the nonbeliever as I am the unicorn.
haha..awesome…love charlie..maybe its a fellow unicorn thing
Eh. My brother is definately a ‘unicorn’ ENTP, he’s pretty cool but he aint perfect. Sarcastic, critical, doesn’t keep promises, messy, selfish, never finishes anything, is full of crazy schemes and charms people into giving him what he wants. But he’s smart and a lot of fun and I love him so all is forgiven (I am an INFP after all…)
Your brother doesn’t actually exist. (Sorry to be the one to break it to you.) You’re an INFP; he’s a figment of your overactive, imperfect imagination – which is why he is not perfect either.
Lol I’m infp… Nothing exists as I see it lol
funny shit. ESTP ftw.
I assume you’re an ENTP. Unicorn, my ass.
I’m glad you enjoyed it! But no, I am not an ENTP, as they do not exist.
I myself am an INFJ according to the tests I’ve taken.
I kind of figured you were an INFJ by the type I got to their description. INFJs are to self absorbed to put themselves out side themselves. I’ve had one of those so called ‘ISTP freaks outs’ with an INFJ, and let’s just say I wasn’t the irrational baby in the situation. You say INTJs are evil. You are confused. INFJs are fucked in their heads. I’m a good judge of character. I can smell the sneakiness from a mile away. Whoever typed hitler as an INFJ was probably dead on.
I called my step mom(INFJ) out one day on her shit, and it was so nice to see true colors. Is it hard to be so fake? Do infjs ever get tired of beating around the bush, and their constant passive aggressive nature?
I think you were either drunk or really angry while writing this, but it was fun to read. I’m not saying a lot of it isn’t true, because some of it is, but I sincerely hope you don’t talk like this all the time, because if so, I can understand why you’re so pissed off.
If you were joking and not a people-hating asshole, props to you, because it was hilarious. Especially mine.
If it wasn’t a joke, then I’m still laughing, because you’re a hypocrite.
Sincerely; ALSO an INFJ
(P.S. Badger? Nice.)
I was employing an authorial voice to make the text stand out more. ;)
I am usually a much more soft-spoken people-hating asshole! (You can tell from my twitter account @johannespunkt my more relaxed mode of speech)
Well it worked. :P
Have you actually has experience with all these people or just done a LOT of research?
I have met at least one person of every MBTI type! And you might consider the text well-researched, though in truth I’ve simply taken a pscyhology class and done about 2 hours of digging. The reason the text might hit close to home is the same reason horoscopes seem to be filled with truths, though:
A sliver of truth + some amount of research + a good intuition. The things that describe you (or people you know) stand out, and the stuff that doesn’t apply to you is easily glossed over.
And thank you for commenting. :)
And that is extremely accurate. People do skip over things that don’t apply to them in the excitement of seeing something that does. Kind of makes you wonder, doesn’t it? :P
No problem, wouldn’t have done so if it didn’t interest me.
Unicorn here, sincerely curious to know why we don’t exist? But yeah, we are frustratingly perfect ;)
Am I supposed to believe that someone with the name ‘Bear’ is a Unicorn? Allow me to snort derisively!
So your mother in law is ENTP huh?
In all honesty, it’s just another joke/insult, true to form of the rest of the Index. “You don’t exist” is just a really powerful insult, and in my minimal research I didn’t find many juicy things to insult ENTPs over, so I gave a backhanded compliment.
INTJ here, and I’m fully aware that what I’m doing is evil, thank you very much!
That hurts my feelings. :( Was that truly your intention?
The Meyers-Briggs Octopus — secretive, agile, cerebral, skillful fingers-in-many-pies but not necessarily evil–though sometimes, for fun, octopi daydream committing the “perfect crime”.
INTJ’s make unsettling and ruthlessly efficient do-gooders, in an unemotional sort of way. They hate touchy-feeley charity–might save your life or your bacon if they think it’s the right thing to do, but the exasperated octopus will lecture you afterwards on your stupidity in getting into danger, and avoid you afterwards to escape your tearful thanks.
I barked laughing at the main post. All ENTJs must die.
I am that impossible thing, the left-handed octopus, aka the female INTJ. Let me do good things without people getting all sloppy about it.
Hey, I only bite when asked politely. ;3
Unicorns exist. I am one.
Incredible but I forgive you for your attempt at humor. I’m an INFP and I think your comments are crap! And I ignore what I want and that is definitely your cynical look at the works of an amazing doctor.
Hey. INFP here. You are suffering from a major case of butthurt at the moment, which, I admit, we are prone to.
I deleted some of this comment as it was inflammatory. I do not need anyone attacking people in the comments field; if I feel that someone is out of line criticising me or someone else, I will disapprove their comment, or delete part of it like I am doing with yours. But thank you for your taking the time to defend me. :)
So excellent; I’m an INFP and these were my favorites:
“In the grand scheme of things, INFPs forgive everyone, perhaps because of the lingering doubt that anything they perceive is truly there.”
“…relationships with INFPs end typically because of imagined slights, or the realization that nothing you’ve said for the last fourteen months have even been processed by their brains. If you leave, it might take them up to three weeks to notice, had you been living together.”
Too perceptive ;)
“You are probably an INFP since you didn’t notice this, you cock.” my favorite
1st time i took it i was an ENTP (dawww) then I got social anxiety and got really touchy feely and lost in my imagination. INFP. Dunno what I am now. But LOVE these descriptions. The world is full of manipulative ppl, I agree.
I really suck. Guess what type I am.
ISFJ, the leech?
Yeah. I was thinking about how wonderful I am and what a great person I am to have around the office and then I read this. So. True. And a good reminder of our shadow selves.
Lets play trival pursuit mother fucker! I will slaughter you in trivial pursuit! I read in a study once that “Playing trivial pursuit increases muscle tone in the lower abdomen”
LOL Why are we a tamagochi? I’d say a porcupine. You get free needles and it stings, we can’t help it. Once you get used to it we turn into a panda, warm, cuddly and will hit you when you least expect it.
Funny read and yes in the eyes of others we are unpredictable yet it makes sense for us. RIght now I have a blank expression the next minute I’m gone doing something that doesn’t make sense to you.
And no we check facts probably more than the usual people.
We don’t endanger ourselves but we don’t mind endangering you, while our counterpart ESTPs will endanger both.
Expect us to get your ass out of fucked up situations and most likely you won’t expect it.
“Why are we a tamagotchi?” Well, porcupines can take care of themselves.
Scorpions are harmless. I don’t know what you’re on about. Their only purpose is to make the animal kingdom more efficient. Sheesh.
Your explanations are downright hysterical. I’m also INFJ, so I laughed pretty damn hard at our description. Although, I’ve been working with an ENTJ for the last year or so to get my fucking mind right and not be so.. INFJ.
I’m amused at your ENFJ explanation too, I thought ESTPs were THE amazing deceivers/manipulators. Although, I know a “smart ESTP” and he definitely is scary as shit sometimes (whole family used car salesmen, Psych/Comm major). The kind you look back in hindsight and think, that shit was fucked, manipulative, and carried out extremely well.
I have to ask.. is the badger animal not fucking letting go when biting relating to how we hold grudges and remember vividly being wronged when the majority of the time our ‘wrongdoer’ has no idea he/she caused this?
Tested and true ENTP here. I am extremely surprised you couldn’t find anything else to insult us about. In fact, one thing that really pisses me off about ENTP communities is that they seem completely delusional when it comes to assessing their strengths and weaknesses. Most other ENTPs seem to think we are the single most profound force pushing humanity forward, yet most of us can’t even make it to an ADD assessment appointment on time, or wake up within the same 4 hour window three days in a row. Most of us will never accomplish anything by the end of life, yet we still manage to feel superior to everyone else all along the way.
bleebloop: in my mind, your perception of the ENTP type should make the insult in my index more effective. Also, I do stress that this thing was written with minimal research. :P
If you’re in the woods where the badgers are, you should stuff your boots with coals. A badger will bite down and it won’t let go until it hears the crunch of what it believes is bones. Then it will run away.
Take from this what you will.
INTPs aren’t good academically. Haha… not ; I’m an INTP, I have great grades and I’m gonna skip a grade…
Some of the things applied to me, though.
I’m an INTP. I’d say your description is pretty accurate. We (I) do not function properly in this kind of society. However, in my opinion am fine, it is society that’s fucked up. You people are on a fast-track strait to hell and y’all are dragging us with you. My kind will have the last laugh but it will from that abstract humor you referred to.
I am a know-it-all but I am very serious about being a know-it-all. I beg for people to prove me wrong or change my mind so that I can, in fact, know it all.
Also, ENTPs do exist. They are about as common as we are. However, America tends to beat the NT out of kids before these types are able to blossom. If you have this perception, then its probably because your an American.
Edit: in my opinion [I] am fine
Really only I wrote this comment because I decided that I DO, in fact, want to be notified of new posts via email…
Okay, well, the ENFP description. Hmph. I think you must have hung out with an ESFP or a really stupid ENFP, which exist I suppose despite the fact that most statistics will state otherwise. Anyway, we aren’t happy go lucky; we are prone to look for meaning in everything, so are actually pretty good listeners unless you’re talking about something very ESFJ like what kind of refrigerator you’d like to buy. We do go off on tangents, but will always find our way back – a lot like “unicorns” are prone to do. We’d likely NEVER get a tribal tattoo, though some kind of indigenous abstract image is more plausible – it would be something earthy, not something creepy like tribal. Ew. Most ENFP will befriend most people and then draw conclusions privately, but sometimes, we can’t help but blurt out how we really feel only to regret it later – or not. By the way, one of my closest friends is an ENTP and we talk for hours drawing from one another’s insights. Go out and find a real ENFP and you’ll see what I mean. Oh, and on one of the ENFP FB groups, we’ve been throwing around “hippie unicorn” as our beast. I kinda like dolphin better, but whatever. Of the two mascots, neither would be a good choice for a tattoo, unless it was ironic, a choice best left to the ISFP.
You’re like, making us look bad here, dude. Like, ya know, enfps can’t take a joke or any criticism. **awkward**
You have to agree with the description and say it was funny otherwise it looks like enfps are narcissistic, oversensitive people who think their type should be a lovely, alternativey, magicky animal instead of something derogatory. Most people who read their own critique will have laughed as well as felt insulted but it’s not cool to admit you were insulted. Enfps can be very uncool in this way.
I know cos I am one.
The forum you describe sounds a bit self congratulatory, enfps like myself need encouragement to be realistic and reflective and would try not to go on a self congratulatory forum, though it is most appealing… *hastily opens up 12th tab to google “enfps are magic unicorn people”*… Sites like this are healthier for me.
So err my comment is:
Really funny and so true. Hehe. Lolled out loud. Specially enjoyed the bit that said I’m like a goldfish.
Bette! omfg. Yes, and thank you. I just saw this again recently. How embarrassing. Evidently, trying to respond to humor in the midst of a painful conflict in real life is not a good idea. *sigh* Not that ENFPs are overly sensitive to begin with. Anyway, with that in mind, the fact that the NFP descriptions appear before all the others is actually pretty funny.
Hilarious. I greatly appreciate this. If for no other reason than it makes a change from people taking this all far too seriously. Also I appreciate being an octopus, I find them both super creepy and cool. Best line ever being ‘INFJs are prone to biting people, the freaks’…
Nah, the best line was the one ‘ESTJs are the “other people” in “Hell is other people.”’
Wow this whole thing is biased towards ENTPs.
i dont think you did INTJs justice..im intuiting youre not so sure about them..
This octopus is amused, and says he got it spot on;
–though see my entry above for the good-guy INTJ.
Ack! This totally highlighted all the things that I’m constantly trying to change about myself, and you broadcasted them for everyone to see. Hahahaha!! Alternate between telling people too much and telling people too little? Check. Telling stories that are only tangentially related to the conversation at hand? Check check. I do have to disagree as to the REASON. It isn’t because I think everything is about me, but because I’m a social imbecile and both have a very difficult time navigating relationships that I don’t understand (which usually includes relationships with friends as well as everyone else), and I’m trying desperately to fit in and be relevant. Too much information? I’m not surprised.
You know what’s amazing? Someone on the Internet psychoanalyzed this index and came to the conclusion that while almost all of these are insults, the INFJ ones are just whinings about how hard life is for me.
I do, unfortunately, think everything is about me. I think it was David Foster Wallace* who said that everything that has happened to you is something you’ve been, literally, at the centre of. Therefore a person being “well-adjusted” is a very apt way of phrasing it.
And now I’m the one rambling. :)
*I am namedropping authors I’ve barely read to seem more lettered.
“They often do not understand that what they are doing is evil.”
If there was anything I could relate to in the INTJ description, it’s this. It’s true- we’re self-righteous and self-centered. As for staying in the darkness and still wanting to rule the world, that’s true too. I won’t act as though I can speak for everyone, but much of the time I think the world is a terrible mess and I just need control. Still, I don’t want to have to take the stafe. Underground, or in the dark, as you put it, has endless appeal because for all that I hate the world, it’s the people of it I hate the most.
Anyway, getting back to the point, not realizing what we’re doing is evil is incredibly accurate because we think we understand everything, we think we’re always right, and we can’t find it in ourselves to be content with the knowledge that something is wrong.
Oh dear, I fear you may have confirmed my worst suspicions about myself….
oh my goodness, this is hysterical and terrifyingly accurate. I’m an ENFP. I’m going to go laugh myself into a lightweight drunken fad now.
Yet another unicorn, or so my official profile would have me believe. Also, just for the record, I exist,and I have have actually had an an official Myers Briggs profile done.
You all must see that there’s something dark, smelly, and extremely sinister about these descriptions…
You see when I was 6,7,10 I
Its like you’re running to catch a bus you missed, (because you were late, like usual), and then the bus being too fast leaves visibility, but immediately is found negligible accounting for the fact that you are standing in the middle of an 1… 4… 6 lane intersection. Of which the only course of action you know is just possibly the something-that-you-need enough to save your life is to gesticulate wildly, looking in every which direction while making synchronized whoosh noises
And there are plenty of things in the (unverifiable, most likely stagnantly fucked up) world, I say this with utter conviction as I know that however long ago it was when I first stumbled upon this article whatever-have-you I was deeply perturbed about something really unjust… shit was getting to be maddeningly frustrating because I couldn ‘t (also forgot how to spell “could not” in contraction form) figure out the solution to a problem I couldn’t encapsulate (like a mobile bubble with my mental tools, rendered utterly useless because its too damn small, and I lost the expanding remote, *dammit) and the odds of an (internal) temper tantrum erupting were at the eminent level, until I got here
And fuck the spell check on this site. Anyway so I am an ENFP, and this shit is kool
There is no spell czech on this site; you must be talking about your browser’s spell czech.
As an ENTP with an SP twist, I’d really like to see what you have to say about ENTPs.
i’m an entp and i’m a really shitty person
I’m an INTJ and I’m not evil… Yet.
I mean, I enjoy the work of a nursery teacher with all those young impressionable minds around me… But truth be told, this is just a cover life I have to keep up until my plan for the world domination is operational.
Hilarious, and amazingly (most of the time) spot-on! As an INFP I do feel the need to point out that the not-listening-to-others part of our description was unwarranted (though the not-paying-attention-to-things part is sadly true). We’re great listeners. It’s just that we don’t always see the need to reflect it back to you ;)
Oh boy. I’m an INFJ and I thought the whole description of my type sounded pretty accurate… INFP was hilarious.
LAUGHING MY ASS OFF. :D brilliant!!
I know a ton of ENTPs so I don’t get the unicorn thing at all. They’re estimated around 3-7% of males compared to INFJ at as low as half a percent.
Also this article seems like it was written by an ENTP.
ITSJ is quite accurate. I never deter from my everyday routine, or talk to anyone when it is unnecessary, unless to voice an opinion on a topic that interests me.
I was very much looking forward to read some hate on us ENTPs.
What a disappointment.
There’s an INTJ air about this article. I sense an INTJ here.
It’s the dom Ni probably. The author’s infj. It’s mentioned somewhere above.
Loved all of it. Wish you’d written more on intjs >.<
[…] I suppose we might as well finish with, yes, the Myers-Briggs Asshole Index: […]
Very cute.. Love the amusement a good ENTP provides. I am a Goldfish so you are correct, no offence taken whatsoever. Totally went over my head ;)
Good stuff. But as far as the comparison to astrology, this test could not be further from it. Astrology is fiction. This test is a self-sorting mechanism. You are describing YOURSELF when you answer the questions.
Of course it is accurate. The choices in the questions may not cover the full range of emotion and ability, and answers can change, but not by a whole lot. And if you changed the descriptions with the headings, example switch INTJ for ESFJ you will NOT see yourself, unless you lie to yourself regularly.
It true that we INTJ preferred to stay out of lime light, but we are not evil. It’s just that our logic telling us to do what is necessary for the better of everyone else. we kill 1 person to save 10, based on logic is that bad?
I deal with people for a living and this is awesome. Pretty accurately describes the characteristics of the 4-tier personality at worst, not at best. Which makes it funny.
Lol I am an ESTP female and I’m not dumb. The only thing that I don’t like is how we are perceived as dumb jocks by all the other types, but good thing I’m smart. Other than that everything is else is correct about an ESTP. :)
Nope, sorry. I can drink ANYONE under the table (ENFP). :))
[…] querés ver esto en blanco y negro siempre podes recurrir al Índice Myers-Briggs en la lectura idiota de Johannes Punkt donde todas las característica de liderazgo, de conocimiento basado en la habilidad socializada, […]
I spent 15 minutes thinking and writing 2 paragraphs in response to this post , after which I thought what I had written was stupid and scrapped it. What type am I?
The reformable type! Praise be.
I love this! As another infj, though, I would actually peg the infj animal as a cat. Cats are stuck in their own little world, always seem as though they’re plotting something, and can be evil or nice depending on what they want to be. They’re like the anti-people people persons.
Very funny stuff here. I laughed at all of them.
Also laughed at a lot of the comments. Especially the ones where the whole blog post went over their heads.
Although I swear I imagined a few comments from ENTPs wishing they’d had a write-up? Though wishing that may miss the point of the ENTP writeup to begin with.
Anyway. Digressing a little. I picked you as an INFJ though, the self-depreciating humour in that section was clearly evident to me.
Also I pretty much related to 100% of the write-up for my type. I’ve done many things mentioned in it :)
Glad you enjoyed :)
Yeah, I’m pretty sure I just tried to think of asshole things I’d done for the INFJ one instead of doing the five minutes of research into how they are usually described, as I did with the other types.
Well as another INFJ I can say that I’ve done pretty much exactly all of those things.
Especially “the INFJ listen to others and then they pretend that the anecdotes relayed to them were ones they experienced themselves”
I can picture many many scenarios where this was the case
I don’t see how your INFJ is accurate, however it does remind me of an essay I wrote about how no one understands my inner genus.
*genius (how ironic)
I found your descriptions amusing. Good luck on your way to work tomorrow.
The ENTP is not a unicorn. What you’ve described is the INFJ fantasy-ENTP. However, you’re pretty much spot on that were friggin’ awesome sauce-um.
[…] is a pity now, because The Myers-Briggs Asshole Index has come to my attention, and I wouldn’t mind knowing what kind of an asshole they think I […]
[…] The Myers-Briggs Asshole Index | Johannes Punkt's Flaskpost ENTP ENTPs are nice, inventive, perfect people, hindered by the serious handicap of nonexistence. If someone told you you were an ENTP, they probably knew you were an ENTJ, and they were trying to be nice. The ENTP animal is a unicorn. For some reason, @Vellyon, you guys were the only ones with a semi-nice description. I really like: "…hindered by the serious handicap of nonexistence." It just seems so spot on. Reply With Quote […]
:)) this was exactly true :
“If you give a task to an INTP, do not expect it done. They will likely fret over completely the wrong shit and then do the opposite of what you asked. They can’t actually finish anything, so they are worthless academically or professionally”
but this is exactly opposite of INTP:
“The INTP adores factoids and often does not check whether a tiny piece of information or statistic is correct, they just love that it is a tiny piece of informations.”
generally your text doesn’t seem INFJ words because INFJs have typically soft and standpat mannerism. but these grasp of points in differnt people can be only by an INFJ. Thank you.
Your ISTP is all wrong. We hate people and have no paitence for them. Our superior intellects make conversation trivial and pointless. We are hermits who want to be left alone. We are always right. If your opinion is ever different from an ISTP you are wrong. Fact. Relationships with us are hard because we simply do not care enough to put the effort in. We could walk away from a 30 year relationship and five kids in a heartbeat without a backwards glance. Emotion is weak and pointless. Logic is king. Call us Vulcans. You can try to understand us, and may even delude yourself into thinking you have but you are wrong. We show what we want to show, everything is cold and calculated. We are always 5 steps ahead of you having calculated all possible outcomes for any scenario. We all enjoy thrill seeking as we are tuning into our hunter abilities that put us in control over our prey. We are superior to all over types. Update your description. All ISTPs who read your post are laughing at you.
I am a ENFP (the champion pers), this twat writing the bad things about each pers, read mine, understand some of his opinions, thing is if saying goldfish about us, how come I have been able to view your opinion and give a better description? (Read Below)
I am 27 male, I have had pers problems (fitting in, because enfp not knowing, lol) anyway, now knowing, ENFP’s that like me that use to advantage, benefits are and this learning who I am, I can easily pull women, have great sense of humour, intelligent, can see things others dont effortlessly, so to conclude your opinion who made website, whatever personality you are, understand that ENFPs yes weaknesses are what we know – never see things through, lazy, easily get bored, but this being, I am lucky one that uses when bored to think what can create as were the best at imagining and creating – goldfish?? Na that applys to all personalities, whoever you are thats written blog, I ask reading this, if to give a valid and decent opinion to pers types, think how to improve weaknesses each have mentioning this too, not just negatives- to some up and to try explaining so see that this is truth, weakness of ENFP is dont like to punish anybody- I see this and make that can if need to absolute pinnacle punishing and in correct way as that when in conflict, I now act (think to control mind so able to), think that making a clearing, ie a clear path, I then clear path effortlessly to whatever opposition, my personality ENFP means champion, not fish, so trying to say to show how weaknesses can be and should be taught to each type, that to do this so everyone warms people rather than insult – you insult me, personality type, ENFP’s just show how we can without effort beat conflict by basically spanking over the knee any threat/ conflict and walk away unharmed and the opposition knowing that stronger opponent in any situation or advantage – hence champion, re write this article explaining weaknesses to types with truth and if you added how to turning theses to positives that would be more beneficial to people reading, rather than reading your feelings to weaknesses that is complete bullshit and boring tripe that is completely written with now intelligence.
Some points agree with, conclude your paragraph on ENFP’s –
Non factual and non beneficial bullshit !! Hopefully you re-write with something better and actually truth for each personality type so that can benefit from! :D
The only reason I’m approving your comment is that I want to ask you — is English perhaps a foreign language to you? If it is, what is your native language?
Either way, goldfish seems pretty apt, given that your sentences are labyrinthine and rambly, as if you forget how you started them before you reach the end.
(For the record, my native language is not English either.)
Thanks so much, this made my run-in with Myers-Briggs (forced on me by my evil overlords) slighlty less painful. I am also a unicorn. Neigh!
I found this so funny. I probably won’t be able to cite any of this in my Psych 101 paper but seriously, you’re hilarious. The freebie, knockoff Myers-Briggs I took online says I’m an INFJ…I didn’t want to believe it at first because that means I’m obviously not as cool as I thought I was hehe but I’m glad to find out that we all equally and collectively are a bunch of assholes. It’s also funny that so many people took you (and probably themselves) way too seriously. Anyway your description of me is uncanny, I’m definitely a biter.
Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure a friend of mine is an entp, they are not perfect. because they lack in emotional understanding, and are driven by thinking they are not the nicest person tbh….I mean they will say and do things, like expressing jokes and ideas at the expense of other people’s feelings and be totally unaware of it, no unicorn….well, unless I am wrong, that was just my conclusion. My friend who is an INFJ is totally lovely however, like they can open up a lot more than the ENTP friend too. the ENTP friend makes friends and speaks to people easily but they sort of put up a mask I think, anyway, just my two pence
Hey Johannes, you know that the MBTI correlates with the OCEAN, right? ENTP would be O+ C- E+ A- Nx (N- would need O+ to compensate, just as N+ may be dangerous with O- A+). It opens up a new can of worms, but the OCEAN is massively used nowadays (just like the MBTI was back in the days) so it might be worth checking into with your critical eye. I also made some parallels with the types and the modern, Keirsey, Soncionic and “favorite animal” (your words). If you are interested and want me to translate it for you intro English language, please shoot me a mail.
also, I agree with lkjdlkfjsd above, ENTP’s can be real assholes regarding others feelings. but it’s ok, the others can “feel for each other” so it’s plenty of room for thinking people… especially if they are not there to judge&flay you (ENTJ)! you just need to open your eyes and thank us that the abuse is informative (the P in ENTP).
I’ve made it a point to take the test everyday for the past week. I’ve been all forms of intuitive: INTP, ENTP, INFP, ENFP, INTJ, ENTJ, INFJ, ENFJ. So I guess I should be convinced that I’m intuitive, except I think my intuition is broken and/or malformed. Thanks for the laugh. And the knowledge that I was a unicorn last Tuesday or whatever.
[…] to do. This does not redeem them. And here is a link to the beautiful person who wrote this: The Myers-Briggs Asshole Index | Johannes Punkt's Flaskpost Reply With […]
Dude, you, like almost everyone else here overthink things. You need to get out there and experience life. Would you say these things you wrote to people in real life? No. Instead, you’d represent the whitewashed version of you, because hey, it’s no fun being someone whom people would consider a douchebag, although you only intend to tell the bitter truth. I’m telling this because I’m frustrated as to why people can’t just have fun, party all night long, without being called a bunch of “shallow idiots” living their short lived glory days. I thought I’d see something cool cuz I saw the title having “asshole”. Needless to say, I browsed all the way down to find nothing and now want those fucking 30 seconds or so of my life back.
You … wanted an image gallery of anuses? The world’s your oyster, you know, go make your own index.
Depending on the day I take the test I come out as ENTJ or INTJ. While this is written as humor, as you mentioned in a reply there are some grains of truth in there… I have been called evil now and then, but if I am on their side they usually call me awesome after I get them what they want. I have found very few situations in life I have not been able to alter enough to at least bring them closer to my needs or whims.
My wife loves that any problem she can’t solve she can just turn me loose on and it goes away. So as long as you can find a leash for the beastie, ENTJ/INTJ can be the best pet monster you ever had :P
it’s because you are an ambivert (the E/I score is close to the middle of the two). you possess characteristics of both E’s and I’s – it’s up to you to decide if they are the “good ones” or the “bad ones” :)
the problem is that lots of people don’t notice that their score approaches, say, 50% (meaning something like between 35% and 65%). they only see the letter shifting and don’t know why. yes, it could be your mood that day – but unless you notice the percent (40% 51% 47% 60% versus 10% 90% 4% 74%) you can’t be so sure.
You are so close to perfection here…need to revise some things. Analyze the hipsters more. Be more forgiving of infp…we’re not as stupid as you make us out to be (granted this is negative throughout – so can’t be ruined). The S’s are the psychopaths…analyze them more.