Today, I told someone that I love her (in a language she barely understands) in a park, in a slightly shaky voice because I hadn’t thought it out as well as I’d hoped. And she said that she loves me (in a language I have mostly forgotten), in a whisper in my ear. Surely there were other languages around us that day.
(in the bugs that kept crawling over us, between their bug pheromones)
(in the electricity between us, between nerve clusters on the surface and deeper down)
(in the stilted, blushing manner of whoever filed that public indecency charge)
I like it. But I would drop the clarifications in these parentheticals:
(in the bugs that kept crawling over us)
(in the electricity between us)
Their tone doesn’t fit the story, in my opinion. It’s more scientific/clinical than you’d expect. Maybe this is what you were going for. But I think it ruins a bit of the mysticism.
Thank you for your critique! I wanted the repetition of the word ‘bug’, and the phrase ‘deeper down’ in there. Perhaps a rewrite would have made it flow better. It is meant to be a bit awkward, though.
Glad you like it. ^_^